“Stranger Danger” vs. Stranger Safety:
Managing our Feelings and Making Wise Choices for
our Children in the Face of Tragedy
“Stranger danger” is a phrase we do NOT find useful in helping
people learn to stay safe, but it characterizes the fear-based
approach that the media uses when reporting about violence against
children. This can increase anxiety and fear. When we hear
about violence against children, committed by strangers or by people
they know, we can help young people by being aware of this bias in the
media, managing our own feelings, and helping our children learn
positive safety skills, focusing on safety instead of danger.
Acts of violence against children have the power to unleash a
torrent of feelings in us all. When children are brutally victimized,
grief, fear, despair, and rage can boil up even in the hearts of those
who considered themselves hardened or numbed by the violence of the
world around them.
Such intense emotional overwhelm can make us vulnerable: in our
desire to understand, to regain a sense of control, to protect
fiercely the children whom we love, many of us seek out information
that we hope will help us feel better. Much of that information comes
from newspapers, radio, the Internet, and television. Again, the
“stranger danger” emphasis in news stories can increase our upset
or anxiety if we are not aware of it.
Assessing the value and accuracy of information when we are
overwhelmed with feelings is a challenge. To complicate matters, our
emotional upset has a market value: by speaking to it, the news media
as well as businesses that teach self defense or sell safety devices
can increase ratings and sales. No matter how accurate their reporting
or how excellent their products might be, this cycle can escalate fear
which in turn impacts our approach to keeping ourselves and our
children safe.
Increased awareness and strong feelings can be very valuable.
Making safety a priority IS important. Just as having an earthquake
can cause us to implement important earthquake safety changes in our
buildings and roads, a tragedy can help us make room for ourselves and
our loved ones to learn self-protection skills that can serve us for
the rest of our lives.
At the same time, we can be more effective in gathering information
and noticing what bias it has – “stranger danger” or otherwise,
evaluating safety-related resources, and making the wisest choices for
ourselves and our children during upsetting times if we can stay
conscious of our feelings. We need to resist the urge to make
significant changes in our parenting, caregiving, or safety-related
behaviors based solely upon intense emotional responses to a specific
event.
Instead, we can:
MAKE APPROPRIATE SPACES FOR OUR FEELINGS.
Our fear, grief, rage, and despair are normal responses to tragedy.
By acknowledging these feelings and sharing them with other adults, we
are taking good care of ourselves and reducing the power of upset
feelings to rule our behavior. At the same time, we do not want to
burden our children with our upset. We want to be aware of when
children might be able to hear what we are saying.
Our goal is to get support to reduce our emotional overwhelm so
that we can think clearly about the best choices for our families.
Many adults have told us that the things they most regret saying to
their children about strangers, unwanted touch, or safety in general
were said in very emotional times immediately after a widely reported,
violent event.
HOW we talk to children is as important as WHAT we say to them.
Sounding very frightened when following "expert advice"
about what to say to our kids can increase their anxiety without
increasing their skills.
Instead of our overwhelm and despair about the bad things that
happen, we want to share with our children our belief in their
strength, their value, their right to be treated well, and their power
to keep themselves safe most of the time. If we focus on “stranger
danger,” this can be very hard to do. We recommend that people
give up the phrase “stranger danger” and instead focus on SAFETY
with strangers and with people we know.
REMEMBER THAT THE WORLD HAS NOT CHANGED OVERNIGHT.
A tragic event can make it seem as if everything is different. The
truth is that what has changed is our awareness of the possibility of
danger. Safety decisions made in the heat of the moment solely out of
an intense emotional response are usually less reliable that those
grown out of a consistent parenting or caregiving philosophy combined
with credible information.
For example, in the days and weeks after an abduction, some parents
who previously allowed their children to walk to school on their own
often begin escorting them or insisting that they walk in groups. If
this decision is merely a response to momentarily heightened awareness
and fear of “stranger danger”, adult follow-through is likely to
wane as the emotion fades, and the children will soon be walking to
school on their own again.
As a result, the children experience inconsistency, increased
awareness of fear and danger, and no link between their own level of
skill and their freedom. They may wonder why their parents were so
scared last month – and if anything is really safer this month? This
confusion can increase anxiety and reduce confidence.
However, if the decision about walking to school is made based upon
a matter-of-fact assessment of the children's skills, the decision is
likely to change over time only in response to a child's demonstrated
practice and development of skills. Following through is easier
because the choice is consistent with the caregivers’ knowledge and
beliefs, regardless of their feelings in the moment. As a result, the
child can experience the relationship between skill development,
maturity, and freedom.
TAKE THE TIME WE NEED TO BE CONFIDENT ABOUT OUR CHOICES.
During times like these, "expert advice" is everywhere.
We need to think first before applying that advice to our own
families. Does the advice make sense? Will it reduce fear and build
confidence? Will it increase anxiety? Does it have a fear-based,
“stranger danger” bias? Will it build skills? Is it
consistent with what we know about our children and their needs? What
we show kids is more powerful than what we tell them. Are we thinking
about personal safety for ourselves as well as for our children?
At KIDPOWER, our goal is to increase awareness and skills without
creating fear. We have services we believe in, and our dream is to
reach everyone.
While we believe that safety with people should become as normal a
habit as brushing our teeth or looking both ways before crossing the
street, our philosophy is to encourage people to THINK FIRST before
participating in any program, including ours. We hope that you will
ask us about any questions or concerns you have before enrolling your
child in one of our classes. Please explore our website or talk to
someone you trust who has experienced our work.
“Stranger danger” wording and thinking can make it harder to
learn and practice positive, effective safety skills. Practice
being “safe in your imagination” so that your thinking shifts away
from worries about what other people might do onto the power you and
your loved ones have to keep yourselves safe. Whatever you do,
we hope that each of you will use the emotion of the moment when you
hear a tragic story to fuel a lasting commitment to learn how to live
joyfully and safely in a world full of wonder as well as risk and to
share these lessons with the young people in your life.
©
Copyright 2004. All rights reserved.
A publication of KIDPOWER TEENPOWER FULLPOWER International
www.kidpower.org
831-426-4407
Permission to reproduce granted with copyright notice and contact
information
at beginning and end of each article used.
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