Personal Safety for Women
Recognize boundary-lowering tactics and protect yourself from
them
Personal safety starts with understanding how problems begin.
In his groundbreaking book The Gift of Fear, violence expert
and best selling author Gavin de Becker describes a list of tactics
that a rapist might use to persuade a potential victim to lower her
boundaries so that she allows herself to get into an unsafe situation
with someone she does not know. He also explains how these tactics
might be used in other intrusive situations that can threaten personal
safety emotionally or physically.
Use of some of these tactics does not automatically mean that
someone is a bad person with bad intentions. In fact, some of these
tactics can be very helpful when people are building a relationship.
If we never lowered our boundaries with other people, we would have a
hard time making friends, doing business, or enjoying social events.
However, you can help yourself stay safe by noticing WHEN these
tactics are being used and not letting them stop you from making your
own choices. Is this person is trying to get you to do something that
you also want? Or are you are being persuaded to lower your boundaries
in ways that might not be in the best interests of your own personal
safety?
Forced teaming:
Sometimes someone will say and do things to make you feel,
"We're in the same boat," or, "We're on the same
team." The purpose is to establish rapport and to put you at
ease. Team spirit can be an excellent motivator. Sport teams,
political parties, community service organizations, and neighborhoods
all work best when people feel a sense of belonging with each other.
However, notice when someone with whom you have not chosen to be
connected with talks as if you are together. Remember what your
relationship with this person truly is and is not and take charge in
order to take care of your own personal safety as needed.
Charm and niceness:
People sometimes project warmth, kindness, sympathy, and humor as a
way to get others to open up to them. People like this can be very
enjoyable, but they also might be harmful.
When someone is very funny, kind and sweet, think to yourself,
"This person is trying to charm me. Is being with this person
what I want? Am I being charmed into accepting things that are not
okay with me? Am I in a safe place if things go wrong?" Sadly,
many women who were attacked say afterwards, "But he was so nice
to me at first!
Too many details:
When people want to persuade you, they sometimes give a lot more
information than necessary. This can be because they really care about
what they are saying, but it can also be because they are trying to
distract you or confuse you into believing their story.
It can be hard for honest people to remember that sometimes other
people will make up convincing details to get you to trust them
instead being truthful. Instead of getting too involved in what
someone is saying, stay focused on your actual situation. Ask yourself
questions like, "How well do I know this person? Is this person's
behavior suddenly different in an uncomfortable way? Is he or she
respecting my wishes?"
Typecasting:
Understandably, most people don't like to be labeled as being
uncaring, unkind, thoughtless, paranoid, unfair, misusing their power,
or ignorant. Someone might deliberately use negative labels to get you
to react in the opposite direction.
Watch out for comments like, "You don't care, do you?"
Or, "You aren't one of those women who think all men are bad, are
you?" Or, "You probably think you are too good for someone
like me." Or, "Someone who comes from a family as well off
as yours could not possibly understand what it's like to be
poor." Or, "This an unfair restriction on my freedom."
Or, "Telling me to stop is abusive."
Trying to prove someone wrong by changing your behavior is another
way of letting someone's words have power over you. Instead, make a
conscious choice about how you are going to act depending on what the
specific behavior being labeled is, what is actually going on, and
what is in the best interests of your personal safety, both physical
and emotional.
Loan sharking:
A loan shark lends one amount and then collects much, much more
than was loaned. People sometimes try to build relationships by giving
gifts. People sometimes are kind and want to help. There is nothing
wrong with this if what they want to do is something you want and if
there is no pressure for you to give more than you wish in return.
If someone else approaches you and tries to do you a favor, you are
not obligated to accept it nor are you obligated to give a favor back.
Be aware that this could be a tactic to get close to you. When someone
you don't know says, "Here, let me help you,' and tries to do
something you did not ask for or don't really need, the safest
response is to say firmly, "No thanks!"
The unsolicited promise:
Promises are important. If you are the kind of person who keeps
commitments yourself, you are likely to be reassured when someone
makes a promise. However, before you trust your personal safety to
someone's promise, make sure that this person has a track record of
keeping promises.
Watch out for comments like, "I promise I will never let you
down", "I promise I will never lie to you", "I
promise I'll leave just as soon as we get there", "I haven't
been drinking, I promise", or, "I'll drive carefully, I
promise."
Discounting the word, "No":
As successful fundraisers, negotiators, and salespeople all
understand, NO can sometimes mean NOT YET. Asking for more
information, listening to concerns, or offering other choices can lead
to a good outcome for all concerned, so it is important not to let NO
mean more than it actually does.
As wise parents know, a child's NO should always be respected as a
feeling but not always accepted as a choice. At the same time,
intrusive or dangerous people will test the boundaries of potential
victims by not listening to their NO.
If you are shy or uncertain in saying NO, even people with good
intentions might not hear you and might keep pushing your
boundaries. This can affect your personal safety, both physical
and emotional. If something is not okay with you or is potentially
unsafe, it is important to be strong and clear. "I really do not
want to!" or "This is really not okay with me." Or
"Go away! I don't want your help!"
If you need help, pick someone out yourself and tell that person
firmly and loudly that you need help instead of waiting for someone
not of your choosing to offer.
Caring Questions:
This tactic was not on Gavin de Becker's list, but it is one that I
have found has lowered my own boundaries. People are hungry to be
listened to and cared about. Questions can be useful tools in helping
people to explore their thoughts and feelings.
Unfortunately, sometimes someone will use a caring question in the
middle of a conflict or potentially dangerous situation as a tactic. A
question like, "Are you okay?" at an inappropriate time can
be used to distract you from realizing that something someone is doing
is NOT okay. Ask yourself, "What is the context for this
question? What is this person's purpose in asking?"
We in KIDPOWER believe that most people are good and have mostly
excellent intentions. However, sometimes people are not safe.
Sometimes people are not who you thought they were. Sometimes people
change because of reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Personal safety skills include being aware of when
boundary-lowering tactics are being used. By not becoming confused,
distracted, or fooled by what someone else says or does, you can
figure out what your best choices are and pursue them.
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Copyright 2004. All rights reserved.
A publication of KIDPOWER TEENPOWER FULLPOWER International
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