Personal Safety for Children:
Protecting children’s boundaries — and helping friends and
relatives do the same, during the holidays and all year long
Personal safety for children includes helping them stay safe not
just physically but also emotionally. This means helping them
learn to express and protect their boundaries.
One of my favorite childhood holiday memories brings me back to the
age of eight, being tickled by my uncle whom I rarely saw, a man who
approached superhuman status in my mind. I would escape the tickles,
regain my breath, and crawl back for more. I was overjoyed that he
would sit on the floor, like a kid, and really BE with my brother and
me. I loved every moment and am grateful for the memory.
For many of us -- and certainly for many children -- the holiday
season rides in on a wave of touch and attention that takes a
multitude of forms: hugging, kissing, cuddling, tickling, wrestling,
and dancing. The stroking of hair, the holding of hands, and the
lifting up of small children can weave our families closer together in
celebration. The sharing of stories and asking of questions can
re-connect us with those we love.
At the same time, touch and attention have the potential to be
irritating, invasive, offensive, or downright hurtful. Sometimes just
the sheer volume of touch and attention during the holiday season can
overwhelm us so that we feel our boundaries are crumbling, getting
buried, or simply being ignored. We can feel irritable, angry, sad, or
depressed. These are not the experiences we want for our children, and
we can take steps to protect boundaries and personal safety for
children during holiday gatherings.
Even with the complexity of family dynamics and of our own personal
feelings during the holiday season, we can support our children in
order to maximize their joy in connecting with others, validate and
reinforce their boundaries, and keep them safe.
1. KNOW YOUR CHILD' S NEEDS AND PLAN FOR THEM.
Many children are shy, slow to smile, or reluctant to hug when
relatives and friends come to visit on special occasions. You
can be prepared to jump cheerfully into conversation with the friend
who has asked your shy five-year-old a question without noticing that
she just can't seem to answer. Help direct overwhelming attention off
your child and onto other things -- the football game on TV, the table
of appetizers, conversation with you about absolutely anything. Make
time for success-based practice of age-appropriate skills to re-direct
hugging or cheek-pinching relatives.
Personal safety for children includes skills for being with people
they know as well as skills for being with strangers. Perhaps
your outgoing children shock and worry you with their willingness to
disappear into a crowd of strangers at a large party or to take every
guest up into their rooms on their own. Be upbeat, cheerful, and clear
about boundaries in advance: "We're going to meet lots of
strangers at this party. I hope you enjoy yourself! You can talk with
anyone you want inside the house, but check first with me before you
go out in the yard." Or, "We're going to entertain our
guests downstairs tonight. If there's something special you want to
show someone in your room, check first with me." Then, role-play
so your child has actually practiced doing this.
2. PROVIDE BOUNDARY-SETTING BACK-UP.
Teach your child to express boundaries clearly and respectfully. Do
this in part by expressing your own boundaries clearly and
respectfully. This means that your child can say, "Please don't
hug me right now," with confidence that you will respect the
boundary and that you, as the parent, can say, "Please don't jump
on me right now," with a similar expectation.
Then, know that even if your family encourages and respects clear
and respectful expressions of boundaries, many people you encounter
will fail to recognize those boundaries, ignore them, or take them as
a personal insult. Your children may need your back-up when they are
attempting to set boundaries.
You may find yourself, for example, watching your child getting
tickled by a relative and begging for the tickling to stop. Though you
may feel embarrassed about stepping in or worried about offending the
relative, personal safety for children often relies on adults’
willingness to take action. One possible approach could be to say
cheerfully and clearly, "WHOA! Game's over! I hear him saying
STOP!" and then to help your child to get space by asking for his
help in another room.
3. BE PROACTIVE TO PROMOTE PERSONAL SAFETY FOR CHILDREN
If you know the behavior of certain friends and relatives can be a
challenge, talking about and practicing upbeat, age-appropriate plans
in advance can help make the interactions more positive. For example,
you could say:
"Every year, Grandma seems to spend a lot of time trying to
test your reading and math skills, and you don't seem to like it. What
could you try?" (Practice comments to say to Grandma, such as
questions -- "Grandma, what was your favorite book when you were
a kid?"; or physical redirection -- "Grandma, I want to show
you..."
"Your uncle seems to like to wrestle with you. I think he
thinks that's a good way to get closer to you, which is OK if you like
it. When you don't like it, do you think you can show him another way
to be together?" (Practice saying, "I don't want to wrestle,
but I DO want you to play basketball with me," and walking away
to get the ball.)
Personal safety for children can benefit from additional practice
of skills during holidays and other gatherings. With some
planning, practicing, and a willingness to back our children up when
necessary, we can help them develop confidence and skills that can
make their holiday interactions with friends and family even more
enjoyable.
©
Copyright 2004. All rights reserved.
A publication of KIDPOWER TEENPOWER FULLPOWER International
www.kidpower.org
831-426-4407
Permission to reproduce granted with copyright notice and contact
information
at beginning and end of each article used.
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