SAFETY COMES FROM INSIDE OURSELVES

What We Can Do to Stay Centered and Safe in a Sometimes Scary World

Terrorist attacks like the tragic events of September 11 are a shocking reminder that we are vulnerable, that the physical security of ourselves and those we care about is not guaranteed, and that our world can change in an instant.

For many of us, a terrorist attack, like child abuse, feels more personally horrifying than an illness or natural disaster because it is being done deliberately by people who intend to hurt other people who are innocent. We all grieve for those who were harmed--and for the innocent bystanders who might unavoidably be harmed while the guilty parties are searched for and found.

Our challenge in the midst of all this is to keep finding our balance. The truth is that in this uncertain world the truest safety we have is the safety we create within ourselves. Being terrified in the face of terrorism only makes us miserable--and accomplishes the goal of terrorism, which is to create widespread fear and instability.

The truth is that we cannot control everything that happens to us. We have to accept that some things are out of our control so that we can live our lives to the fullest while taking care of the things that are under our control.

Most of us, in the weeks and months after a traumatic event, will have the opportunity for conversations about this tragedy both with children and with adults. We can help create safe emotional spaces for the people around us to find healing, perspective, and paths to meaningful action. The most powerful meaning we can make of any tragedy is to work together to create a better world for everyone.

When a major tragedy takes place, it is very likely that most children will either hear or see something either at school, from television, or by listening to the adults around them. It is important to realize that the wave of reaction in children's lives is likely to get bigger before it gets smaller. While we don't want to create more fear, we do want to address any concerns that children already have in ways that are age appropriate and empowering.

Here are some actions you can take for your children and yourselves:

Get support for your feelings but do not process them with your children.

It is normal to feel sad, scared, and angry when bad things happen. For their emotional safety, your children need your hope and confidence, not your despair and fear. Be aware that children often overhear adults when they appear not to be listening. Give yourself space to express your feelings with other adults, to nurture yourself and then to move into positive action.

Get help if you are feeling anxious or depressed.

No matter what is happening in the world, you have the right to live your own life as joyfully and fully as possible. Talk with family or friends. Go to professional counseling if you need to. You do not have to be upset all alone.

Manage a burst of anxiety by doing the same centering exercise we teach in our classes--feel your feet by wiggling your toes, feel your hands by opening them and pressing them against something, loosen your elbows and knees, take a breath and let it out, then another; now, look around and focus on something near you.

In a calm way, give kids space to talk about feelings while focusing on things they CAN do to stay safe.

Tell children the same thing we need to remember ourselves, "This is scary and very sad. But we are okay and we can keep ourselves safe most of the time, if we know how to do a few things and have a safety plan."

Create an opening to talk about this tragedy or any other worry your child might have by asking, "Is there anything that you have been wondering or worrying about that you have not told me?"

Talk to your child if you have not done so already.

For a younger child, you can explain even big upsetting events in a calm simple way.  For example, about September 11^th, an adult might have said, "Something sad happened that hurt a lot of people. We are okay, but you might hear about this, and I want you to know what happened. A few people did something very bad---they crashed airplanes into some big buildings and many people died. Now our country and most other countries in the world are making safety plans to help keep this from happening again. Do you have any questions? If you get worried, or start thinking about it a lot, I want you to tell me so we can talk."

Limit children's exposure to the media so they are not bombarded with terrifying images. Consider limiting your own exposure as well. There is a difference between staying informed and traumatizing ourselves unnecessarily.

Take a stand against the hatred that gets born of fear.

Whenever a prejudiced comment is made, you can say something like, "One of the wonderful things about our world is that it's full of people from all different shapes and sizes and beliefs and colors and ideas. A few people doing something bad does not mean that everyone who seems like that person is bad. In fact, most people of any background are good."

Seek whatever form of spiritual guidance works for you.

Focus on what you CAN do.

Both children and adults have the power to make a difference through daily actions. By working together as a community, your actions can create change.    

Viktor Frankl was a psychotherapist who was imprisoned in concentration camps in World War II. In that hopeless terrifying setting, he came to the conclusion that, while he could not control most outside events, he could choose how he would respond to those events. He created a form of psychotherapy called Logotherapy, which helps people heal by making meaning of their lives.

Most often, we can take charge of our safety. When things are out of our control, it is important to remember that, like Viktor Frankl, we can still choose to create safety within ourselves.