“Stranger Danger” vs. Stranger Safety
Stranger safety, boundary-setting skills help kids stay safe
this summer and all year long
“Stranger danger” worries or other concerns about children’s
safety should not have to take away from the joy of summertime
activities. At the same time, summer often brings changes in
everyday habits or activities that can pose new safety
challenges. Vacations, camp, overnights, outings to amusement
parks, or increased "home alone" time can be wonderful
experiences, and they can all be more enjoyable when children have
basic safety skills – skills they can build on all year long.
You can take a few simple steps to increase both the safety and the
quality of your child's interactions with other people, both strangers
and people they know. Choosing to focus on ‘stranger safety’
instead of ‘stranger danger’ can be an excellent first step!
Remember that the day-to-day support and reinforcement children get
from you, their parents and care givers, can help self protection and
boundary-setting skills and beliefs take root in ways that can impact
them for the rest of their lives.
SAFETY AT HOME:
For some families, summer means more relaxed time together. This
offers an excellent opportunity to build children's boundary setting
skills and review family safety rules about what is and is not okay to
do when you are at home. Good awareness and the ability to express a
clear boundary can stop most problems before they start.
You can:
Model Effective Boundary Setting:
If the children in your life are doing something that crosses your
boundaries – perhaps by climbing or jumping on you, perhaps by using
words that you find offensive – tell them clearly and respectfully,
as soon as you can. If others, including your children, do not respect
your boundaries after you have expressed them, show the value you
place on personal boundaries by respecting your own and taking steps
to protect them – such as, by getting space for yourself.
Use Sibling Bickering as a Learning Opportunity:
When one child is feeling upset about a sibling's behavior, try
coaching the child who is feeling bothered into expressing a boundary
– "Let your sister know you have a boundary here. Tell her, 'I
don't like it when you sing my name over and over. PLEASE STOP.'"
Some boundaries have to be negotiated. You might decide that it's okay
to sing whatever you want when you are alone, but not in front of the
person being bothered. Deal with the crossing of appropriate personal
boundaries with the same firm clarity you would apply to hitting,
kicking, or spitting.
Set Clear Boundaries about Physical Aggression:
If your children tend to be physically aggressive in ways where
they get hurt or upset, stop the behavior and ask calmly, "When
is the only time it's ever OK to hit or kick or hurt another
person?" Answer: "If you feel like you have no other way to
get out of a dangerous situation and if you get yourself to safety
right away." Then ask, "Is that what's happening now? Is
this hitting about safety, or is this about anger?" You can then
guide children toward more appropriate and effective ways of managing
their conflicts.
Review Safety Rules for Answering the Door or Phone:
This is a good time to revise rules based on your children's
development of skills and possible changes in your living situation.
“Stranger danger” stories have the potential to build fear without
increasing skill, but practicing safer choices can build confidence
and skill as well as reduce fear.
For example, we recommend that young children check with the adult
in charge first before they answer the phone or open the door, even
when a parent is home. Is your child now old enough to make some
choices without checking first? For younger children, role-play what
you want them do to if the phone or doorbell rings. For older
children, have them tell you what they think your rules are and make
sure that everyone in your family agrees on the plan.
Update Safety Rules about Going.
Our recommended rule is that young people do not change the plan
about where they are going, whom they are going to be with, or when
they will be home without checking with their parent or other adult in
charge first. Your comfort about where your children can go and with
whom will change based on their ages, abilities and living situation.
It is important for everyone to be clear about what the expectations
are.
Review and Practice Emergency Plans.
What if there is an earthquake? What if someone gets hurt? What if
there is a fire? Practice safety strategies.
SAFETY IN SUMMER PROGRAMS:
For many young people, summer break is a time to participate in fun
activities with different people. Those activities and people often
offer new interests, new friends – and new challenges!
You can:
Use and Enjoy the Word "Stranger"; Avoid the
Phrase “Stranger Danger”
A stranger simply is someone you don't know. In KIDPOWER, we like
to say that most people are good and that this means that most
strangers are good. Unfortunately many adults use the word
"stranger" in a way that implies danger or fear and perhaps
associates a specific group, such as tall, muscular men, with that
fear and danger, creating a sense of ‘stranger danger’.
This ‘stranger danger belief’ can get in the way of developing
safe habits. Remember that all future friends, teachers, and mentors
yet to enrich your child's life are, at this point, strangers!
Remember that in an emergency, children may sometimes need to get help
from strangers.
Try to replace ‘stranger danger’ beliefs and worries with
stranger safety habits. With younger children, be very clear and
upbeat when you are going to a new place: "There will be lots of
strangers there, adults and kids -- and some of them will probably
become good friends! I hope you enjoy getting to know them." You
can agree that it is okay talk to anyone they meet at their camp or
class but not to go someplace new with them without making sure that
you know. In this way, you are practicing making the safety plan
together.
Set up clear safety plans for pick-ups, drop-offs, and getting
help.
Review your clear -- and, we recommend, VERY SHORT -- list of
people the child can go with at pick-up time without checking first.
Ask children to show you how they will follow your family's rules
about checking first. Make sure that they have or know where to find
all important phone numbers.
Listen:
Create spaces for your children to share their thoughts without
pressure or fear of judgment. "The first time I went to sleep
away camp, I was really excited AND really scared. Do you ever feel
that way?" or, "Is there anything you've been wondering or
worrying about which you haven’t told me?"
Acknowledge Differences:
Meeting diverse new people can mean meeting people who are louder
or quieter; who stand very close in conversation, or farther away than
you are accustomed; who initiate play more subtly or in a ways that
seem overbearing; or who use words and vocabulary differently than you
do.
When young people are expanding their circles, hearing this reality
acknowledged as normal can ease anxiety and open the door to
conversation about experiences and challenges. Shifting the
focus away from ‘stranger danger’ and over to ‘stranger safety’
can also help reduce anxiety and build confidence. Discussions
can lead to ideas for how to deal with those challenges. Mingled with
all these new and normal ways of being might be someone whose behavior
is truly problematic, and your conversations might help uncover any
potentially dangerous situation so that you can take positive action
together.
SAFETY IN THE COMMUNITY:
Less time in school can mean more time in the community -- visiting
friends, going shopping, going to movies and shows, going to the
library, and visiting parks and pools.
You can:
Grant freedoms based on demonstrated skills:
Before granting your children more freedom to move through the
community with greater independence, expect them to demonstrate the
skills needed to manage that independence. Focusing on ‘stranger
danger’ and scary stories can build fear and anxiety, making it
harder to learn the skills. Instead, focus on safety habits that
can help people prevent, avoid, or de-escalate most problems.
For example, a child wanting to use public transit independently
will need to demonstrate a willingness to get space between himself
and a person making him feel uncomfortable; the ability to ask for
help and persist, politely but firmly, until help is granted; and the
willingness to get off the bus, take a different bus, or call for a
ride if those are the safest choices.
Make and Practice Safety Plans:
We want young people to have a picture in their minds of where
safety is so that if they have a problem, they are moving toward
safety, not just away from possible danger. It is normal for people to
think of a familiar place or person as "safety." However, in
an emergency, we want our children to get help as quickly and as
safely as they can. Role play ways of getting help in emergencies
where they cannot check first.
Give Permission to Use Self Defense Skills Appropriately:
Any strong resistance will stop most assaults. However, young
people often won't protect themselves because they don't want to get
in trouble. Have a frank discussion about when it is okay to hurt
somebody to stop that person from hurting you.
SAFETY ON TRIPS
Travel is a time when we are dealing with many changes, and
children need to know what to do if there is a problem. We can point
out to children that every time we get onto an airplane, we have to
listen to a review of their safety rules and that it is important to
do the same as a family.
You can:
Make a Safety Plan for How to Get Help Everywhere Your Children
Go.
What will each of person do if you get separated? What if someone
bothers you?
Agree on the Safety Rules about Different Kinds of
Transportation.
The rules on an airplane will be different than on a boat will be
different at a rest stop on a long car trip. Discussions about safety
with people can be combined with discussions about other concerns,
such as where it is safe to go and where not. Again, when
talking about safety with strangers, we recommend that you focus on
practicing safe choices rather than on talking about ‘stranger
danger.”
BUILDING IMPORTANT BELIEFS
“Stranger danger” worries keep our attention on the bad things
that sometimes happen. By shifting our attention to the power we
or our children have to make choices, we can build a sense of
competence. Our belief in ourselves as powerful, competent,
valuable people is the most important self-protection tool we have. We
can help our children create experiences and develop attitudes to
build their positive beliefs and get rid of negative ones. With some
planning, support, and practice, we can help make summer experiences
not just safer for our children, but also more enriching and
rewarding.
©
Copyright 2004. All rights reserved.
A publication of KIDPOWER TEENPOWER FULLPOWER International
www.kidpower.org
831-426-4407
Permission to reproduce granted with copyright notice and contact
information
at beginning and end of each article used.
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