Dealing with Stalking
Stalking only occasionally becomes a focus of public awareness,
but it takes place all the time. When stalking happens to you or
someone close to you or you, it can have devastating consequences in
your life. People often feel helpless when confronted with a
stalker. They have a sense that they can do something, but aren't
sure what it is. Our strongest recommendation is that anyone
concerned with this subject also read Gavin de Becker's book, The
Gift of Fear. (See review on our recommended books page.)
Police forces vary widely in their understanding of stalking and
their ability to help protect an individual. This is rapidly
improving in many areas. But, no matter how understanding police
are, they can't put anyone under a 24-hour guard. The ultimate
protection is what each individual can do for herself or himself.
IF YOU ARE BEING STALKED
If you are ever stalked, it is not your fault. You are not
responsible for what the stalker is thinking, feeling or doing. You
may feel powerless, confused and isolated. Being stalked can take
over your life. Fear can control your actions and take away your
enjoyment of each day. It is vital to know that there is much you
can do to greatly increase your safety. Break out of any isolation.
Get support. Deny the stalker privacy and control. You can combat
this.
WHO STALKS?
Stalkers can be anyone, male or female. However, because most
stalkers are men, this article uses masculine pronouns. This
information applies to most kinds of stalking situations regardless
of gender.
Most stalkers are not strangers. As with other types of
predators, most stalkers are acquaintances. Many stalkers were
previously in a close relationship with the target and will not let
go. Others are neighbors, a friend of a friend, clients, and so on.
A relentless pursuer can be thought of as "romantic" and
many old stories and songs revolve around this theme.
Be aware that a man who persistently calls and follows you after
you have told him to stop is dangerous. He can't give up the power
and control. Many inflate some slight contact into a full-blown
romance. A minority of the time, a stalker is completely unknown to
the target and make up the connection entirely. Some stalkers are
not motivated by any of these twisted variations on human
relationship, but rather are simply motivated by revenge. This type
includes the person angry with some politician and the disgruntled
ex-employee targeting his boss and other workers.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE BEING STALKED
As with any form of potential violence, an important first step
is to cut through the denial. Do not deny this could be happening to
you at all, or deny this person, who you thought you knew so well,
could do something so horrible. A common form of denial is the idea
that the stalker is harmless and his activity is just a minor
irritation. If you are in a stalking situation, the person doing
this is too often not harmless, but neither are you powerless. There
are many steps you can take to increase your safety.
One of the most powerful protections against stalking is clear
and direct boundary setting. If you know you are being stalked, or
you think you might be, tell him once what you want, namely to go
away and never contact you again. After that, sever contact
completely. Do not speak to him on the phone or in person. Do not
try to reason with him. Do not leave more messages on his phone
telling him to stop phoning. Do not have large friends go over to
"have a little chat". Any contact or communication, even
if it is negative, keeps him attached. If you completely break
contact, many stalkers will eventually give up.
Tell everyone that you are being stalked - friends, family,
co-workers, your children's school, your regular grocery store -
everyone. If possible, give them all a photo of the stalker. This
closes a possible avenue of information or even physical access.
Remember, most predators are "nice" at first. It is far
too easy for someone like this to charm or trick your friends or
neighbors into giving them information. He may pretend to be a
long-lost friend, or a husband wanting to track down his children
who he says you stole. Deny him privacy and control. If you tell
friends and neighbors, you will have one more layer of protection.
Other precautions you can take:
• Record everything that happens - every phone call, contact or
incident. Even if it seems unimportant, write it down. Report it to
police. Ask for the file number and use it any time you phone them.
If you want or need to take legal action later, having this report
will help. You can file a report with the police without having them
do anything with it right away.
• In some communities a special personal alarm is available
that connects you to your local police. Ask a police officer or
transition house worker about this.
• If a stalker gets your home phone number, don't change it.
Put a answering machine on that line and keep all messages. Make a
note of times when someone hung up without speaking. Give these to
the police also. Get a second number, unlisted, for yourself and
friends.
• If you are receiving harassing phone calls, ask your phone
company about the •57 call trace service.
• At work, have co-workers screen all calls and visitors.
Remove your name from the in/out board. Remove any personal
information from your desk and computer.
• Ask all friends, neighbors, co-workers and family to report
any contact with the stalker. Record these instances. Give this
information to the police.
• Ask trusted neighbors to help watch your home.
• Don't accept any packages unless you ordered something.
• Get a cell-phone and keep it with you at all times.
"With you" means on your belt or in a pocket, not just in
your car or a nearby room. That also means when you are at home. The
stalker may cut your phone lines. You want to be able to phone for
help at any time of the day or night. Be aware that cell-phone calls
can be listened to with a scanner. Digital phones are more secure.
• Find out what number you can dial to prevent your number from
going to people with call display and use it.
• Break your old routines and predictable patterns. Leave the
house and come home at irregular times.
• Consider moving. Yes, it's completely unfair, but depending
on the situation, you may need to consider this option for your
safety.
• It is crucial that you take part in a powerful and effective
self-defense course.
PROTECT YOUR PRIVACY TO PREVENT STALKING
Protect your personal information. Your full name, phone number
and home address are nobody's business except for trusted friends
and family. Avoid putting this information on any public documents
or official files. Get a mailbox that lets you use "Suite
Number" instead of “Box Number.” An address including
"Suite Number" looks more like a home address. Don't put
your first name. Use two initials. Why two? Because one initial too
obviously indicates a woman. Using two initials is more commonly a
male practice.
Send change of address cards with your new Suite Number to all
organizations and individuals (except those few trusted friends and
family members who already know). Make sure no records anywhere have
your name and address on them. This means everything:
driving license
doctor's office
car registration
vet's office
magazine subscriptions
business cards
mail order companies
credit cards
your children's school
utilities
sports activities
any stores you use that keep personal records (video, dry-cleaners,
photo-shop, pharmacy)
and so on ..... everywhere.
You may need to push in some cases, but you can actually get your
address removed from public records. The police officer looking
after your file may be able to help. This may sound like
over-reacting, even crazy, but these really are just sensible
precautions to take. These precautions will seem trivial compared to
the hassle you will endure if you are stalked by a determined
predator.
Protect your privacy when you are in public places too.
Just listen to other people when you are at the counter in a
video store, bank or supermarket. Most people happily give their
name, address and phone with several strangers within hearing range.
It is a simple and horrible fact that picking up information like
this is a common tactic of predators.
Never discard anything with your personal information on it. Burn
it or double-shred it. Dumpster/trash-can diving is another tactic
used by criminals to gain information. Assume your trash-can is
being viewed by the public.
DANGEROUS MYTHS ABOUT STALKING
MYTH: It'll be better for everyone if I let him down easy.
This is in fact, one of the worst things you can do. Don't try to
sugar-coat your "No." Don't agree to see him "as a
friend". You cannot reason with a stalker. Any way you try to
be kind and soften the impact of what you are saying just invites
him to stay.
If you say, "I don't want a relationship right now", he
thinks he just needs to wait.
If you say, "I'm in a relationship right now", he
thinks he just has to win you over, or perhaps that he has someone
to get out of the way.
If you say, "I need to be by myself", he translates
that to thinking that you'll be happy when you realize how much he
loves you.
You must make a simple, blunt statement with no explanations,
time limits or loopholes. Then sever contact - completely.
MYTH: A Restraining Order will stop him.
Stalking victims are usually told to get a restraining order.
These are only of limited usefulness. It can stop a "mild"
stalker, someone who is still fairly rational and who cares about
social or legal repercussions. However, about two-thirds of orders
are violated. Do not make the mistake of thinking the predator will
respond to a restraining order the way you would. This legal
enforcement will do nothing to stop a stalker with a high degree of
investment in the situation. This type can include former intimate
partners, a more delusional stalker, or one motivated by revenge. In
some cases, the situation can even be worsened by this legal tactic.
It's too much like an insult to some men, and can precipitate a
violent situation.
If you are considering asking for a restraining order, find out
how they are enforced in your area. Is breaking the order a
misdemeanor (i.e. equivalent to littering or jaywalking), or is it a
felony (a serious criminal conviction)? What will police do if the
order is violated? If the stalker just gets a warning or a
"slap on the wrist," things have just become worse. He now
thinks he is invulnerable, and he can do whatever he likes with no
consequence to him. Talk to local domestic violence organizations
and stalking victim support groups. Find out from them also how
orders are enforced in practice. Put this information together with
an estimate of the level of investment of the stalker and an
estimate of the level of danger involved. Make an informed decision
about the best way to go in your situation. In any case, far more
powerful than a restraining order is making sure he cannot get to
you, and making sure you can defend yourself if he does.
MYTH: He hasn't threatened me, so I'm not in any danger.
The fact there has been no danger up until now does not mean it
won't come. It's true some stalkers may warn their targets with
obviously threatening statements such as, "We have to be
together … forever." or "If I can't have you, nobody
can." However, even if he hasn't made such an overtly dangerous
statement, any words or behaviors that indicate an unwillingness to
let go of his obsession is a red flag to danger. Changing
circumstances in the target's life or in the life of the predator
could precipitate violent behavior. One example would be if the
target becomes engaged. This could trigger deadly violence in the
deluded creep who sees this as a betrayal of his imagined
relationship with the target.
Also, just because a stalker doesn't have a criminal record does
not mean he is not dangerous. Many infamous stalker/killers had
committed no act of criminal violence before the murders they are
known for. A past history of violence does indicate a higher
possibility of future violence. The absence of a violent history, on
the other hand, means nothing — every violent offender has to have
a first time. Law enforcement personnel are becoming more educated
in assessing these risks. Being stalked is itself a warning. Any
stalking situation should be regarded as dangerous.
SUMMARY
Take the situation seriously
Deny information
Deny access
Sever contact completely
Educate yourself
Participate in a full force self-defense course
Again, read the excellent and important book The Gift
of Fear by Gavin de Becker. This is simply a MUST for
anyone who is the target of stalking.
