Personal Safety Strategies
Taking action instead of wishing for change can prevent
problems from escalating and help you get what you want
Personal safety strategies are steps we can take to make things
safer or to help get our needs met. Sometimes, we try strategies
without even thinking about it – and sometimes those strategies are
not effective. In some of our workshops, we demonstrate the
"wishing technique" that people use frequently to try to get
someone to stop doing something. The demonstration involves one
person engaging in an unwanted behavior – for example, putting an
arm around the other person's shoulder. The person being touched
wishes really, really hard that the other will remove her arm.
It doesn't take long for the participants to start smiling or
laughing at the obvious ineffectiveness of the technique. Many
of us, however, habitually use this technique unconsciously in many
aspects of our lives without recognizing that the energy we put into
it rarely produces the results we want.
We may wish that the people in our lives would notice that we are
tired and need more help with the chores, or that we need help
lifting, moving, or carrying, or that we do not want to be hugged,
tickled, or touched right now. We may wish that they understood
what we were feeling or that they knew we were in pain. The more
energy we direct into wishing that the other will notice and change,
the more likely it becomes that feelings of anger, sadness,
depression, or general upset begin to build up inside as the other
person fails to perceive our needs and respond.
When we wish for someone to change her behavior, we may also show
subtle physical indicators of discomfort or unhappiness: a flinch, a
shrug, rolling of the eyes, a glare, or silence. Sometimes, the
other person notices these signs; sometimes, she does not.
Perhaps he will guess the true meaning of the gesture; perhaps he will
do his best yet misinterpret entirely, making changes in his behavior
that actually make the problem worse. Wishing and guessing make
a rocky foundation for effective communication, and they are
ineffective personal safety strategies overall.
Some of us embrace the wishing technique largely because we learned
as children that speaking up made situations worse, maybe even
dangerous. While staying silent or hiding feelings might have
been the safest – and therefore the best – option available for
some people in past situations, it is rarely an effective life
habit. We can take a significant, positive step toward
improving both the safety and the quality of our interactions with
others by applying KIDPOWER's three general personal safety
strategies:
1. BE AWARE
Think about times you have wished people would know what was going
on in your head and changed their behavior. Notice if and how
much you wish on an every day basis for different behaviors in
others. Ask yourself what leads you to wish without taking
action. Perhaps you would love to take some sort of action but don't
know what you could do or say. Perhaps you are afraid of what
could happen. Perhaps you have learned that no matter what you try, it
feels like you're wasting your breath.
Perhaps the interaction is short-term and temporary and you are
simply not interested in trying to change what's happening because
you'll be leaving soon, anyway.
2. TAKE CHARGE
Once you are aware that you are wishing for a change and aware of
the reasons for your choice, make a conscious decision about how you
are going to go forward and about which of your personal safety
strategies will serve you best. Possible decisions could
include:
Speaking Up: This could include basic
"I" messages, "I feel...when.... would you
please..." For example, "I feel uncomfortable when you
roughhouse in the living room. Would you please take the game
outside?" It could mean just asking someone, "Please
stop touching my hair." It could mean giving information:
"I love talking to you but don't want to talk about other people
in our family. I'd really like to know what's going on in YOUR
life these days."
Getting Space: This can mean leaving, on many
levels -- leaving a table, leaving a room, leaving a public transit
vehicle, leaving a school, leaving a club, leaving a
relationship. This can include creating emotional space by
finding ways to keep yourself safe from what's being said or done if
you are unable to leave. It can mean changing the conversation
topic or just creating a space for time alone.
Choosing Not To Act: This means consciously
deciding to do nothing, to accept that choice, and to put your energy
and attention into something else besides wishing.
3. GET HELP
If none of the above options are available to you, if none of them
seem to be working, or if you want to develop your level of skill in
taking charge, take a look at the resources around you that might
offer support such as friends, family, counselors, related books, or
social service agencies -- including KIDPOWER TEENPOWER FULLPOWER
workshops. While all of us must accept that some things are out
of our control, living with the sense that we are powerless to take
action when people are crossing our boundaries wears away at our
belief in ourselves as strong, competent, valuable people who deserve
to be treated well. This belief is our strongest self-protection
tool and deserves to be protected and nurtured.
Personal safety strategies that include deciding to show awareness
and confidence, to take charge when we feel uncomfortable, and to get
help when we need it can not only impact our own well-being but also
help us model effective problem solving and safety skills for others
in our lives.
©
Copyright 2004. All rights reserved.
A publication of KIDPOWER TEENPOWER FULLPOWER International
www.kidpower.org
831-426-4407
Permission to reproduce granted with copyright notice and contact
information
at beginning and end of each article used.
|
