VIOLENCE AND RESPONSIBILITY

A critical first step in addressing any problem in life is to see it and name it clearly for what it is. The best solution can then be found in the most effective manner. This principle is crucial in addressing violence.

It's important to face reality and do what is most urgent - i.e. stay safe. We can act most effectively to keep ourselves safe and enhance our lives when we squarely face what is going on and make decisions based on the cold, hard facts.

We're often asked to have sympathy for violent people because of what they have suffered. The media are particularly full of this, "He was abused as a child." Or “She had postpartum depression.” We also hear, "Isn't rape (battering/stalking) because of some emotional or mental problem?"

Unfortunately, especially with men who are violent against women, this sympathy and effort at understanding the man often puts that woman in greater danger. Being too understanding may stop a woman from doing what is most important — keeping herself safe. A story may illustrate this. I've had variations on the following conversation with several women, and in each case the idea of the man's choice was a revelation.

One woman I spoke to, who we will call Marissa, was concerned about her husband's escalating violence. He would scream and yell at the top of his lungs, call her names, say all kinds of degrading, violent and foul things and punch the walls. Marissa was terrified when he did this. He hadn't hit her, but each angry outburst was becoming more and more intense and she was convinced he would escalate to physical violence in the near future.

Part of how Marissa thought about these situations was that he was "losing control" when they argued. In fact, this is what he would always say afterwards ... that he was really sorry and he had lost control. Therefore, she felt a huge amount of sympathy for his apparent pain - so much so that she was putting herself in danger by staying with him when she actually expected him to hit her soon.

I said to Marissa, "Let's imagine I'm there with the two of you when one of these situations is happening. I've got a baseball bat. Your husband knows that if he moves towards you, raises his voice, or hits the wall, I'm going to hit him right in the face. Do you think he'll do any of those things?"

Marissa said in a soft voice, with her eyes widening in realization and her jaw dropping in amazed realization, "No."

I said calmly, "Well, he's not out of control then, is he?"

Marissa said quietly, "No."

We continued to talk and clarify the ideas. But that was basically it. It was a life-changing moment where Marissa decided to do what was right for her and to stop forgiving violent behaviour that this man was CHOOSING. The simple fact is that the consequences of her husband’s actions hadn't been sufficient for him to stop. The hypothetical consequences if I were there would be enough.

There is no evidence that alcohol or mental illness cause men to be violent with women IN PARTICULAR. And the idea that a violent batterer or rapist is out of control is a myth. If you study this subject, you'll find that there are immense numbers of men who have been abused as children, or are alcoholics, or have mental problems, who DO NOT carry out any form of violence towards others.

Yes, there are men whose mental state is so deranged that they lose touch with reality. They truly don't know what they are doing. But this is a tiny minority. Most violent people are not profoundly insane in this way. Think of it this way... most violent men do not try to rape or beat up their boss, a police officer or some huge, muscular Hell's Angel. They are, in fact, not out of control at all — they know exactly who they are attacking. They choose their target — someone they think can't or won't fight back.

In the story above, once she really understood that her husband was CHOOSING to be violent, Marissa became EMOTIONALLY FREE to do what she needed to stay safe, and also to get on with her life in a positive and enriching way. When we demand individually and as a society that perpetrators take responsibility for their actions, we are freed to take powerful, decisive action to safeguard our emotional and physical well-being.