Stranger Danger vs Stranger Safety
Increase safety, reduce fear, build confidence by
practicing safer choices with strangers
‘Stranger danger’ is, unfortunately, a commonly used
phrase. The phrase brings to mind worries we have about what
strangers might do, and those worries can make it hard to remember
what even very small children know, that a stranger is simply a person
we don't know.
Most adults and many children have strong, often unpleasant
feelings and pictures in their minds when they think of the word
"stranger." The phrase ‘stranger danger’ can make those
unpleasant feelings even stronger. Those pictures can actually
interfere with our efforts to stay safe, and to keep our children
safe, by distracting us from the fact that strangers are simply people
we don't know, including men, women, people using wheelchairs or
holding puppies, seniors, and children.
This cognitive interference can lead us to give confusing messages
to our children. We may find ourselves telling them not to talk
to strangers and then expecting them to talk to strangers such as
other children at the park, fellow guests at weddings and parties, or
the grocery clerk at the corner store.
In reality, almost everyone is a stranger to everyone else - and
that's wonderful! The world is full of exciting people most of us
haven't met yet. Because we want our children to live rich and full
lives, most of us understand that our children will need opportunities
to meet new people, but we want them to meet new people safely.
We recommend that parents and caregivers consider helping children
learn how to do this by focusing on ‘stranger safety’ rather than
‘stranger danger.’
At KIDPOWER, we tell children that we believe most people in the
world are good. That means most strangers are good, and that if they
ever need help, most people, including most strangers, would want to
help them. However, since we can't tell just by looking at someone
whether they would be one of the very few people out there who might
feel like causing a problem, we have basic safety habits so we don't
have to worry about it.
Children appreciate hearing from calm, upbeat parents and
caregivers that all of us, not just children, behave differently when
we're together with others who could help us out and when we're on our
own. When young children know their rule is "Check first with the
grown-up in charge before you talk to strangers when you're on your
own," and when they have the chance to practice actually
performing that skill in a positive, success-based way, they are more
likely to use that skill in real life.
With very young children, parents can lay the groundwork for this
family rule and make sure the child's experience is consistent with it
by saying something like, "We're going to meet lots of strangers
of all ages at this show - I think it will be a lot of fun. When we're
inside this room, you can talk to anyone you want because you are with
me!"
Children often have surprising ideas about who they know and who
they don't know -- they may feel like the mail carrier is someone they
definitely know! A powerful way to start building a matter-of-fact,
clear understanding of the word "stranger" in the mind of
your child is to start using the word itself as frequently and as
accurately as possible. This can include cheerfully asking your young
child to point out all the strangers they see in a magazine (most
likely 100% of the people in it!) and making matter-of-fact comments
such as, "Grandma's bringing a friend to dinner with us tonight.
She's a stranger to us, but not to Grandma! I'm excited to meet
her."
Stranger danger is a worry; stranger safety is a goal you can work
toward while building skill and competence and reducing worry. With a
solid understanding of what a stranger REALLY is, children are more
prepared to make safe choices, to follow family safety rules about
talking with strangers, and to enrich their lives with the
companionship of people who make them happy.
©
Copyright 2004. All rights reserved.
A publication of KIDPOWER TEENPOWER FULLPOWER International
www.kidpower.org
831-426-4407
Permission to reproduce granted with copyright notice and contact
information
at beginning and end of each article used.
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